Posted on September 20th, 2007
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i said, line me up, and here i am wanting to eat some mange, but it has to be maintained. as long as i don’t choke on any pubes, i’ll go to town. but i’m a trooper, i’ll do it even so but not to my best abilities. i’m sorry ladies, but you gotta maintain. i try to do the same when i’m dating, or at least trying. which i haven’t tried in forever and a half. you all women are trouble. this whole going out thing and playing the stupid game. i like women that cut to the chase. leave the mace at home, i’m here, and you won’t be alone. well, i know i can fuck up someone, but you can never be too prepared. i learned something in corporate america, you can never be over dressed but you sure can be underdressed. i know y’all look for that too. you’re just like corp amerika: scrutinizing, judging, choosing. so i may not have smooth talk, but i got some big words.
i used to have a friend once (no, it’s not jessica), but i left the rumours overtake me. i told her to fuck off (in nicer words) because i didn’t like the people talking. yes, i confess. i’ve been brainwashed by the media, i always have, at least in my los angeles years. it’s really hard to ignore it, with it being blaired every night and every day. what can a boy trying to fit in do? not only do i stand out because i’m brown, but i’m weird. i’m not one of the beautiful people, i’m not a happa (mixed asians). maybe i’m not part of them because i don’t have game. i have myself, and most of the time it’s random. most people can’t handle me. i used to be shy of sharing my thoughts. i just wanted to be part of their cliques. and here, being myself, i was establishing my own. but it wasn’t enough, it never has. i wanted to be liked by them. little did i realize (as a kid) that it would be impossible. that’s one of my biggest faults, shooting for the unattainable. who wants to settle? especially in my city. everyone wants the picket fence, chase the dream, have a trophy wife, have beautiful babies, and live happily ever after. i understand it’s a fairy tale, but maybe you can get lucky. lot’s of people have, why can’t i?
i did not make the very best choices over the weekend, but all i really wanted to do was get fucked up. unfortunately, i upset my friend (but only because she was not at the same level). in life, you encounter people where you take what you need, and then depart. i had decided to stick around to see what happened. i blame my mother for making me feel shit and facing reality’s emotions. i can’t blame her tho, she was raised in an alcoholic environment. i know it breaks her heart when she finds out the stupid shit i do. i’m sorry momma, i only witnessed your psychobabble, and reminents about the babble. my dad hid his problems well, but he also hid everything else. maybe that’s why i’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy. there is never a happy medium. i cannot discern where or when it should end. my dad has always said (in a derogatory sense towards my mother) “with actions, not words.” and all i’ve witnessed from him is “do your job until you get your woman to do it for you.”
